The Muppets:
Where They REALLY are Today.
By Lydia Zerne
Fozzie was really upset because six years ago Kermit came out of the
closet and made a pass at him. Since, Fozzie has realized his comedy
sucked and became an accountant.
After work, Fozzie just goes to the bar and gets drunk every night, but not
alone. He meets up with two old friends…
The first is Beaker who has been unemployed since Dr. Honeydew
realized he understood nuclear energy better than the doctor.
The other is Rowlf, who gets beer for free at the bar since he plays the
piano there. Rowlf married Janice, the chick in the band, and they had
101 kids in one litter. Even though she was not a born bitch like his
mother, she hounds him so much he runs to the bar even when it is not
his shift. Janice, is still upset she ever ditched Floyd Pepper.
Gonzo sometimes hits the bar, but more to see if the guys want any of
his business. He is a pimp for all the hens who were in The Muppet Show.
That is all but Camilla, the one he loved.
Camilla is with the Swedish Chef now, but not in his stomach like Gonzo
once feared. It turned out that those two were always having an affair.
The Chef would “B_rk! B_rk! B_rk!” her and then she would pretend to
love Gonzo for his money. Gonzo was so repelled by the truth, he has
forced her Chicken sisters to become his prostitutes until he is paid back,
with interests.
Plus, Gonzo had the proper attire for this career from his Hollywood days.
Miss Piggy was so upset when all the truth came out about Kermit, not
just the Fozzie chaos but the pedophile relationship he had with his
nephew Robin, that she began to do anything for attention. She posed for
Hogs&Sueys and XpansionGalor and many other little know slut rags.
Eventually it came to a point were even those magazines did not want to
hire Miss Piggy. Gonzo offered her a job with his business. She then
decided it was time to begin doing pornography.
Link Hogthrob has been trying to convince Miss Piggy to be with him
instead of some gay frog for years, but to no good event. Finally, when he
saw her begin her porn career, he found a new way to get what he
wanted. He now is the co-star in all her films, just as he was on the The
Muppets in Outer Space. Their latest film was titled The Muppets in Inner
Space.
Dr. Julius T. Strangepork died of a heart attack immediately after The
Muppets series ended. His will donated his body to science. A welfare
family in South Central enjoyed having him for dinner. Link Hogthrob was
very upset when he learned about this death. He wanted Dr. Strangepork
to also co-star in The Muppets in Inner Space.
After the closing of the show, Floyd Pepper and Zoot opened a club in
Los Angeles. They did not want to open a Jazz or Rock club, but wanted
to open something totally new and hip. So they opened the Silence Club.
It was popular for a week and then the people realized the band would
NEVER come on stage and play. The boys lost everything. Now Floyd
Pepper and Zoot work delivering pizza for Dominos.
Their other good friend, Dr. Teeth, ate too much sugar right after the
break up of the series and had to get dentures. That busted his career.
Clifford turned to painting, which has made him get a job at the local
grocery store.
Crazy Harry, AKA Crazy Danny, the introducer to the Muppet Show,
turned out to be a murder suspect who had been on the run since 1967.
He was last seen in Hyattsville, Maryland using the name Crazy Jim.
Johnny Flama & Sal were working in Las Vegas. When Sal was pressed
to his limits while guarding Johnny, he expressed what had been on his
mind for years about Flama’s lack of talent. After being told by the
monkey that he could not sing, Flama turned his former bodyguard over
to Dr. Honeydew’s research department.
Rizzie the Rat had opened a popular restaurant next door to the Silence
Club. Unfortunately, one of his new employees put down a new pest
control substance of which he was not aware. Rizzie is now retired and
filling for disability with the government.
Speaking of government, Sam the Eagle went to work for the United
Postal Workers Union shortly after his career on television ended. He
found this branch to be too lenient, so he quit his job there after one year.
Sam now works for the IRS.
Robin has been very upset since he found out Kermit was not actually his
uncle and things he was doing were not socially acceptable. He has been
in therapy for about 10 years. Robin thinks he is doing much better, but
Ms. Piggy thinks he has gained so much weight that someone need to tell
him he needs to join Weight Watchers. Robin also works at as a nurse at
a retirement home, not far from the studios at which they used to film.
Sweetums was the bodyguard at the Silence Club for it’s week, then he
worked cleaning dishes in the kitchen at Rizzie’s. Later, he took over
Sam’s job at the United Postal Workers Union. He has also been seen
stalking Kermit ever since the Robin assault charges came out.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew was working as a clone technician trying to clone
the Bush family. There has been evidence that Beaker was an early
sample of this experiment. Also, it was found out he planned to use these
clones as guinea pigs for nuclear bomb tests. Recently, Saddam Hussein
offered him money to work on nuclear war missiles. So he has been
missing in Iraq.
Statler & Waldorf are still alive, believe it or not. Statler is living in the
retirement home, he is one of Robin’s patients. He has learned to file
complaint on the internet and greatly enjoys this. Waldorf, on the other
hand, met a younger woman who was looking for a Sugar Daddy via the
internet. They go and visit Statler every week. When Waldorf is feeling
very nice, he shares more than his Viagra with Statler. The new wife
hates them both because they never say anything nice. But she is happy
they introduced her to Robin. Yet Robin still fells too insecure to kiss her.
Bobo the Bear was unemployed for a long time, until the model who had
been doing the ads for preventing forest fires died. Then, his agent was
quick enough to get Bobo the job. It included a home in the forest, nothing
else, but enough for Bobo.
Bean Bunny had a similar problem finding a new gig until his manager
found out Nestle’s competition needed a new model for their Chocolate
Bunny. Sadly, when they cast his body, all his fur was burned and never
fully grew back.
Seymour & Pepe teach classes for $2000 per person per session on
“How to Become a Star Over Night.” So far they have made $4000 from
two students, but one of their mothers was unsatisfied with the course
and asked for her money back.
Kermit realized his problems, and turned him self in to a psychological
rehab. facility right after the Fozzie incident went public. He knew the
Robin assaults were bound to catch up.
Kermit spent 6 mos. in jail for the Robin thing, got off real easy because of
his lawyers and Hollywood influence. When he left, he could no longer get
job with the adult entertainment field. But surprisingly, Bert got him back
on Sesame Street.
All his money went to legal and mental battles, so Kermet now has a room
in the apartment with Bert and Ernie. Although, Ernie has told Bert he and
the duck are upset about this.
Animal was placed in a drug rehab facility shortly after the band broke
up. He then went to business school. He now has one of the largest
production companies in Los Angeles. He is balding, but keeps his hair
long and back in a pony tail. He is still hyper and uses one of those hand
exercise tools all day while awake. Every day, Animal wears a hip black
suit, and black turtleneck shirt, without a tie. He fired the last assistant
who suggested a tie.
Scooter is his highest assistant, as one of his uncles owned the building
Animal rents. Scooter knows to put any other former Muppet on hold until
they hang up. There are rumors Animal has more money than Bill Gates.
And that Scooter helped him hide most of it.
There are also rumors that if Scooter dues not get to direct a film in the
next year, Sam the Eagle will suddenly get a tip about accounts in
Guatemala, Costa Rico, Stockholm and other places.
Oh- Kermit called Scooter last month asking him to ask Animal about
producing a reunion. He’s still on hold.
Kermit also knows Scooter works free of charge for Animal, just as
Scooter once did for Kermit.
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